Open Letter from Somebody You All Love to Hate
First I don't come often enough. Then you want me to make post-apocalyptic radio waves work better. Then my trades are too expensive. Then I trade too many Spiked Devastators. Then M16s are nice and all, but you'd prefer shotties. Then turrets get wise to your games, and now you want MORE M16s.
Next you want me, an arms dealer, to sell puppies--but not for too much! Do you know how hard it is to find a sweet, baby puppy who isn't infected or rabid, nowadays? Yes, you do! So why would it be cheap and easy for me? Plus, I'm allergic to pet dander! And it's not exactly good for my wares, either--weapon crates peed on, fine-grained gun stocks riddled with toothmarks, and ammo rolling around everywhere because SOMEBODY likes the taste of cardboard! Have you ever had to feed 3-year-expired ExLax to a puppy to count the .22 short rounds coming out the other end for days? Yeah. Best end-of-world hobby EVER.
Damn, even with 90% of the population dead, you still can't please everybody.
Love & kisses,
P.S. Not that anybody cares, but I have a name, and it's SUE. Go ahead, say something about it. Double-dog dare you.